OSCAR SNARKFEST

Hooray! For once, there was some justice at the Academy Awards. (Except for Bill Murray and Benicio, and a movie called "Squash.") We hosted the Komedy Koven, and that means Festival of Snark. Or, "If you can't say anything nice, can I get you another drink?"

Ian McKellen: One of our boys wanted to be rear-violated by Ian in the worst way. No luck, so far.

The Hobbits: We wanted them to win and get excited, which inevitably leads to hobbit-on-hobbit action.

Peter Jackson: Cue disgusting farting sounds and the international sign for cunnilingus.

Sean Connery: Not only did he not seem to get Billy Crystal's "Pussy Galore" joke, but I don't think he knew where he was or why he had to dress up.

Renee Zellweger: Or, as we call her: Marshmallow face, Pig face, or Puckered Marshmallow Pigface.

Alec Baldwin: He's too. fucking. wide.

Liv Tyler: Oh God, you are so hot in those glasses. Can we watch you make out with Lisa Loeb?

Angelina Jolie: Thanks for all the nipples. Nice tattoo.

Johnny Depp: Did he just walk out of a comic book? Probably.

Michael Douglas: We know you're a movie star. Now take off the fucking sunglasses.

Tim Robbins: He's against child abuse - how very brave!

Mickey Rooney: Shrinking into a neck brace - is he alive? Make him do the funny Chinaman, for old times sake.

Billy Crystal: Either the worst Robin Williams impression ever, or the most accurate, because it sure wasn't funny.

Jude Law: We know you're a robot. Are you keeping Mickey Rooney alive? Did you build Dick Cheney?

Jamie Lee Curtis: All man from the neck up. All women from the, well - from one gigantic boob to the other.

Scarlett Johansson: Honey, sweetie, you'll have time to look 34 later. Less makeup. And call me?

Clint Eastwood: I see you brought grandma to the Oscars. Are you dating? Does she put out?

Master and Commander: Computer boats, big battles, Russel Crowe - we just don't fucking care.

The Last Samurai: "I already saw Dances with Wolves." - Doc C

Bob Hope Tribute: Umm, didn't they have any better clips? Thanks for making me feel nothing.

Aside: Where do they get the amazonian women that lead winners offstage? I imagine they talk in a slowed-down masculine voice and could crush your neck in a heartbeat.

WE CAN SAY NICE THINGS, SOMETIMES:

John Cusack: Still hot.

Annie Lennox: Scary, but amazing and deserving.

Errol Morris: What a freak. Thank God. One of the few political statements of the night.

Mitch and Mickey: So sweet and funny! We melted. Aww.

Jack Black and Will Ferrell: Hilarious - please let them host next year? Please?